I came to Vietnam in February (2020...it is still 2020 isn't it?) to volunteer for three months at KOTO. As some of you suspected, I always had in the back of my mind that perhaps I could add Vietnam to my suite of fabulous trips for 2020 and beyond.
I will not disappoint!
Ladies and gentlemen - I offer for your wanderlust consideration...
I will not disappoint!
Ladies and gentlemen - I offer for your wanderlust consideration...
VIETNAM VIRUS VACATION (14 days ex Vietnam Noi Bai International Airport, Hanoi)
I am offering you two different trips to Hanoi.
VvV #1 is free and is in partnership with the Vietnamese Government. You will be met and escorted (closely) for the entire 14 days. The reviews are quite positive (as long as you're not!) so if you have recently found that your means are somewhat diminished, this is the trip for you! All details HERE!
VvV #2
COSTS
Single AUD (at an agreed exchange rate TBC) $250,000 per person (have to crawl back from the superannuation abyss somehow...)
Double or twin share Unavailable due to social distancing requirements. Sorry.
ITINERARY
I am offering you two different trips to Hanoi.
VvV #1 is free and is in partnership with the Vietnamese Government. You will be met and escorted (closely) for the entire 14 days. The reviews are quite positive (as long as you're not!) so if you have recently found that your means are somewhat diminished, this is the trip for you! All details HERE!
VvV #2
COSTS
Single AUD (at an agreed exchange rate TBC) $250,000 per person (have to crawl back from the superannuation abyss somehow...)
Double or twin share Unavailable due to social distancing requirements. Sorry.
ITINERARY
Day 1
Arrival day. I will personally meet (from a distance) each and every single one of you! One at a time. As a little nod to my Australian heritage I will be sporting my interpretation of the Jetstar livery. Look for the black and orange! I will personally (from a distance) direct you to your transport - your very own 45 seat coach (to ensure social distancing) and accompany you to your accommodation. Unfortunately the only tourist attraction you will see for your entire trip is the Nhật Tân Bridge. Sorry - no correspondence will be entered into.
Arrival day. I will personally meet (from a distance) each and every single one of you! One at a time. As a little nod to my Australian heritage I will be sporting my interpretation of the Jetstar livery. Look for the black and orange! I will personally (from a distance) direct you to your transport - your very own 45 seat coach (to ensure social distancing) and accompany you to your accommodation. Unfortunately the only tourist attraction you will see for your entire trip is the Nhật Tân Bridge. Sorry - no correspondence will be entered into.
On arrival at your accommodation you will be presented with your very own Viettel commemorative SIM card with enough credit for 3 days only and instructions in Vietnamese only. Please ensure that Google Translate is functioning on your phone prior to arriving in Hanoi. Please also ensure that your phone is "unlocked" prior to arriving in Hanoi and that you are carrying a Sim-card-phone-release-thingey (refer Essential Items for Packing section below). Accessing DATA via your new SIM will be painless, but don't even try to work out how to make phone calls or send messages unless you have a spare week, which you do, but still don't!
This is a self-catering tour but your fridge contains the following complimentary items (thank me later!):
This is a self-catering tour but your fridge contains the following complimentary items (thank me later!):
- 1 x Ha Noi beer (cold)
- 2 eggs (how cute are the containers?)
- Vietnamese coffee (refer Essential Items for Packing section below).
- Milk (no added sugar - important!)
NB. Kitchen contains fridge, microwave, electric kettle and stove. No oven.
Good luck and good night!
Good luck and good night!
Day 2
You wake to the sound of birds tweeting in the trees outside your window...and all is well with the world.
You wake to the sound of birds tweeting in the trees outside your window...and all is well with the world.
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You are brought back to earth with a thud and reminded of exactly where you are by the "Voice of Vietnam" giving the day's advice and orders which, of course, you can't understand, but rest assured it will be something to do with masks and hand washing, and you will hear it every single morning at 7.30am. Disclaimer - given my lack of Vietnamese language (refer Day 6 below) this could equally be someone spruiking discounts at the local supermarket. You be the judge... |
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Today I have a special (complimentary!) gift for you!
Travel is not all about seeing the sights (and sites) and experiencing local culture and cuisine! Oh no!
It's about exercise and fitness!!! This is our delightful local guide Hannah!
Over your time here, she will guide you through a world of wellness.
Here's HOW. Again - you can thank me later!
Depending on how tech-savvy you are, you might need to spend the day getting your Vietnamese SIM working. Remember - your new SIM will expire tomorrow. No pressure.
Luckily the internet at your accommodation works so you spend the afternoon trying to order grocery items for delivery. By 9pm it becomes obvious that your attempts have failed so you eat the other egg and go to bed.
Luckily the internet at your accommodation works so you spend the afternoon trying to order grocery items for delivery. By 9pm it becomes obvious that your attempts have failed so you eat the other egg and go to bed.
Day 3
It's always fun to know exactly how polluted the air you're breathing is, so this morning we will download this useful app that you will, from now on, refer to first thing every morning. Savvy locals use this as an indication of whether or a not a mask is necessary during the the day when bike riding or exercising outdoors. You won't be doing either of these things but a mask is necessary every day anyway, so just wear it!
It's always fun to wake up to this:
It's always fun to know exactly how polluted the air you're breathing is, so this morning we will download this useful app that you will, from now on, refer to first thing every morning. Savvy locals use this as an indication of whether or a not a mask is necessary during the the day when bike riding or exercising outdoors. You won't be doing either of these things but a mask is necessary every day anyway, so just wear it!
It's always fun to wake up to this:
It's D-Day for credit on your SIM. You discover a site called DING for recharging which seems to work - so now you are up and running! Of course the thought does occur to you that you already have perfectly good internet at your accommodation, and given that you can't leave that accommodation, the credit wasn't really necessary anyway. But the sense of achievement is HUGE and you go to bed happy.
Yes - that's all you did ALL day!
Yes - that's all you did ALL day!
Day 4
Buoyed by your success on Day 3, and by a gnawing hunger, you launch yourself into a day of hunter/gathering. Unless you're a huge fan of pickled eel and chicken feet your Google Translate will be invaluable today as you navigate the world of online food delivery, Hanoi-style. After many hours of failed attempts you hit the jackpot and THIS FABULOUS MEAL is delivered to your door...for $3.53 (including delivery!) and you are thrilled!
Even more thrilling is the impromptu concert that seems to have been organised in your honour. You fall into bed happy, dreaming of a drink...but booze is tomorrow's challenge! Don't want to get ahead of ourselves, do we?
Day 5
Today is the day to incorporate some alcohol into your life to spice things up and add to the "holiday" atmosphere! You will recall that I generously provided you with an exotic welcome drink on Day 1 but I fear it might not have lasted the distance - so time for more! But where? And how? And what?
There is, of course, a local drop. This place wasn't a French colony for nothing! And at AUD$25 for 3 litres...well. I shouldn't really announce this until the sponsorship deal is signed, sealed and delivered but "when in Vietnam Michelle Wild's tipple of choice is Vang Dalat" (which leads very nicely into tomorrow's language lesson. Stay tuned!) Unfortunately it won't be available to you during your stay because means of delivery has so far alluded me. I will persevere of course...
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And I can't help thinking how much more fun it would be to watch these ladies exercising with a glass of wine in my hand... |
Day 6
Today we tackle the Vietnamese language. As many of you are aware... Vietnamese is a "tonal" language and as such has been officially declared by UNESCO to be "un-learnable" for Westerners so we don't even have to try. Phew! Although I am very supportive of the UNESCO declaration, I feel for the sake of diplomatic relations that we should make SOME effort...which I have done...on your behalf...and yes (AGAIN!) you can can thank me later.
To ingratiate yourself with our Vietnamese hosts (who you will never meet on this particular trip...but you might run across one day) here is my secret on how to speak Vietnamese - SPEAK FRENCH WITH A VIETNAMESE ACCENT. Simple really. Look -
Wine/vang - from vin.
Many suspect that Pho comes from the French, pot au feu.
Cheese/pho mat - from fromage.
Cake/ga to - from gateau.
Butter/bo - from beurre.
Suitcase/Va li - from valise.
Beer/bia - from biere.
Mailman/Phac - from facteur.
Beefsteak/Bit-tet - from biftek.
Coffee/ca phe - from cafe.
Soap/xa bong - from savon.
Circus/xiec - from cirque.
Ice cream/ca rem - from creme.
Bra/su chien - from soutien.
I mean really - I defy anyone to make sense of this:
All that study is exhausting, isn't it? Tonight's entertainment is a real treat. It's a son et lumière called "Thunderbolts and Lighting" and yes...it IS very very frightening!
Day 7
Ok - so you've worked out how to order a meal on line, but despite several concerted efforts, grocery shopping online still remains a mystery. Today we will crack that nut! Unfortunately your newly acquired language skills will be of little use today as shouting at a computer screen in French with a Vietnamese accent doesn't work. Trust me.
And you need to be prepared. Just like registering with Centrelink for the very first time, you will need certain documents on hand. These documents may or may not include the following: passport, ID card, phone number, date of birth, address (including street, province and ward), email address, alternative email address, passwords, access to SMS codes, sexual preferences, shoe size, religious proclivities, AA registration number.
Ok - so you've worked out how to order a meal on line, but despite several concerted efforts, grocery shopping online still remains a mystery. Today we will crack that nut! Unfortunately your newly acquired language skills will be of little use today as shouting at a computer screen in French with a Vietnamese accent doesn't work. Trust me.
And you need to be prepared. Just like registering with Centrelink for the very first time, you will need certain documents on hand. These documents may or may not include the following: passport, ID card, phone number, date of birth, address (including street, province and ward), email address, alternative email address, passwords, access to SMS codes, sexual preferences, shoe size, religious proclivities, AA registration number.
Google Translate is not entirely your best friend in this exercise...can YOU spot the differences between the Vietnamese and the English versions of this page?
As a goodwill gesture (you are, after all, a guest in this country) let me share my not-inconsiderable experience with you. I have "curated" your online grocery shopping experience so that you can spend the rest of the day actually shopping and thinking that you have ordered all sorts of wonderful delicacies, but then wondering if you've been successful and then (hours later) wanting to throw your arms around the delivery person (nuh uh!) when they eventually turn up.
https://about.chopp.vn/en/ - hours of shopping fun until you discover it's Ho Chi Min City only
https://lsplace.com.vn/en/ - their "Karen Walker" masks seem to be a winner...I mean - any endorsement from Will & Grace works for me!
https://vinmart.com/ - have never managed to crack this but you might
https://chiaki.vn/gio-hang?acart=7944 - this site MIGHT work...although I'm in my third week of waiting for my Ginkgo Biloba delivery...
http://speedl.vn/Main.do?main=Y&lang=vi - success on all fronts, including booze!
And when you're totally fed up and don't care what it costs any more:
https://www.oasishanoi.com/
When you are FINALLY successful, your groceries arrive looking like Xmas presents...if your Xmas presents were wrapped in discarded Vietnamese legal documents with enough sticky tape to keep Tape Face happy!
https://about.chopp.vn/en/ - hours of shopping fun until you discover it's Ho Chi Min City only
https://lsplace.com.vn/en/ - their "Karen Walker" masks seem to be a winner...I mean - any endorsement from Will & Grace works for me!
https://vinmart.com/ - have never managed to crack this but you might
https://chiaki.vn/gio-hang?acart=7944 - this site MIGHT work...although I'm in my third week of waiting for my Ginkgo Biloba delivery...
http://speedl.vn/Main.do?main=Y&lang=vi - success on all fronts, including booze!
And when you're totally fed up and don't care what it costs any more:
https://www.oasishanoi.com/
When you are FINALLY successful, your groceries arrive looking like Xmas presents...if your Xmas presents were wrapped in discarded Vietnamese legal documents with enough sticky tape to keep Tape Face happy!
Day 8
Time to ask the big questions - like why the sun never shines in Hanoi?
Allow me to introduce you to Hanoi's Weatherdude who will explain all. Who knew? And if you really want all the details you'll find them here.
Day 9
A day at leisure! You might choose to spend the day reflecting on the experience you are...um...experiencing, or writing your memoirs...
Or - you might like to spend some time dying your eyebrows and modelling face masks.
The choice is yours!
Day 10
A rubbish day today. Although that's NOT what you'll be saying by the end of it! Rubbish is a big deal here...nothing gets thrown out...
At 5.30 every afternoon this lady calls out and everyone brings out their rubbish. The cardboard lady collects and on-sells cardboard. And this guys will collect all your old electronics and mechanical junk...including fridges! I'd like to see that...
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Day 11
It's always nice to return home from a holiday with a newly acquired skill and given how popular Vietnamese cooking is world-wide, I feel a little cooking class is in order. Look and learn...
Turn Fresh Eel into a Meal - I defy ANY of you to watch this right through, but at least keep watching to see how the eels are "disciplined"!
Hue is yet another Vietnamese city that you won't be visiting, but that need not deter you from acquiring some of the food sculpting skills that Hue is famous for. Your spring rolls will never look the same again!
Day 12
Given that in current circumstances we can't look "without", today let's spend a bit of time looking "within"!
Officially, Vietnam is an atheist state. Despite this, many of its citizens are religious. The three main religions in Vietnam are Buddhism, Taoism and Confucianism. If you can make any sense of these graphs - well done!
Unfortunately, having recently binge watched Unorthodox on Netflix, I'm am totally obsessed with Hasidic Judaism so I don't really have much interest in other religions. Sorry! Look them up...
Day 13
It's always nice to return home from holidays with a bag full of clean laundry - isn't it? So today we will do the laundry. Well when I say "we" -
I mean "someone" will do the laundry!
Please meet Mr "Mike" who also goes by the name of RICH DAD which makes me think we will possibly pay way too much for our laundry!
Here's how it works. Rich Dad sends a boy on a bike to collect your laundry. This may (or may not) be the guy in the photo which Rich Dad has sent you previously. Impossible to tell with his mask on. Once delivered to Rich Dad's establishment, he weighs your laundry and sends you a picture as proof. He then sends a bill. Two hours later another masked man arrives by bike with your crisp, clean, folded laundry. Et voilà! Simple.
But tonight - ladies and gentlemen - for your last night tonight in Hanoi, there is a very special treat in store for you! Not only will you get to witness the wonder of the spectacular that IS "My Back Passage Has Talent". You will get to be the judge! All these extraordinary performances captured "live" in my back passage. Really!
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Day 14
Departure day! "So soon?" I hear you cry. As a parting gift I offer you THIS so that you have something fabulous to show the folks back home who will want to know EVERYTHING about your Vietnam Virus Vacation! NOW you can thank me!
Essential Items for Packing
Clockwise from left:
Stainless steel coffee plunger - a must, and need I say it - unbreakable!
Pot plant - not mine - but it's always nice when all your "essentials" match the pre-existing décor!
Water bottle - natch.
Plastic containers that rats can't gnaw through (although I think that's a story for another time...)
Green Opinel knife - that always reminds you of the little French village that you bought it in...
Sim-card-phone-release-thingey
Luggage weigher
You are guaranteed to lose weight on this trip, and the only way you'll be able to tell is by carefully hanging this luggage weigher in a doorway and dangling gingerly below.